I was halfway through the class period when it happened. It was my fifth and last day with upperclassmen at a local high school. We were discussing sexual decisions, in particular the pros and cons of having sex at an early age versus the pros and cons of waiting.

The door opened and a girl entered who had not been present for any of the other four days. By looking at her I wondered if she was a proponent for some kind of minimalist clothing movement, for the distance from the hem of her skirt to the top of her tube-top couldn’t have been much more than 12 inches. She strutted passed me and sat at her desk.

A few moments later I posed to the class the question, “What are some reasons teens choose to have sex?” Without hesitation, though she hadn’t been present for any of the other discussions, the aforementioned girl raised her hand.

“Because it’s natural,” she said. Her tone was unmistakable. She wanted to skirmish. I recognized this and responded with a good deal of enthusiasm, “You’re absolutely right! Sex is as natural as breathing.” I went on to amplify the truth embedded in her statement: sex is natural. She wasn’t expecting this. She expected a fight. I think part of her hoped I would launch into a monologue about the risks of sex at an early age. Stunned, she sat quietly.

After this we discussed other reasons teens choose to have sex. We then explored the potential drawbacks to this decision. I just asked questions and facilitated discussion among the students.

Then I switched gears. “We’ve discussed the reasons why some teens have sex, and some of the potential drawbacks to that decision. But why would someone choose to wait for sex?”

The same girl raised her hand. I would be lying if I said I didn’t fasten a mental seat belt before calling on her.

In place of the venom that laced her previous statement there was stone-cold sobriety. “I think I would have more respect for myself,” she said. That was it. The room was quiet. I was stunned. I think a good number of her classmates were, as well.

I may never know whether this interaction created any lasting positive change in the life of this teen. But by honoring her statement, oppositional though it was, we didn’t get bogged down in resistance. This freed her to consider alternatives to her position. Had I increased the resistance she would have been stuck.

I’ve heard stories about hunters who discover the carcasses of two deer, their antlers locked together. Unable to separate themselves, the creatures eventually died a tragic, prolonged death. You and I do well not to lock horns with teens. Teens, like the girl in the class, will square up to us and invite us to resist them. Doing so would have devastating implications for our ability to create change.

Teens need to process their ideas. They need us to listen without reacting. Whenever possible, find the truth in a teen’s statement that you can support. You don’t have to agree with him or her in entirety. But by doing so in part you keep alive the conversation and make possible a deeper connection. What can happen in time is that we earn the right to share our valuable thoughts and opinions–and teens just might listen to what we say.

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In what sense should we be like the youth we care about? We wrongly assume that to be relevant to teens we need to be like them. Such an inclination to mimic youth is born of fear. If we’re like them, so we believe, they will like us. Unchecked, our insecurities lead us to talk, dress, and act like adolescents. I’ve been to youth camps and events where I had to strain to distinguish between the teens and the adults.

Being like the youth we serve cannot be our priority, not if we want to make a significant impact. Teens need and want us to be adults. They have lots of buddies. They want us to relate with them in a way that’s in keeping with our authentic humanhood. When we seek to be buddies with teens, they lose the best thing we have to offer: our selves.

We are a medium for youth, a living message. This message will translate to teens when we model for them what it looks like to be a responsible, compassionate, kind adult. If we fall victim to our insecurities and seek to prioritize being hip over being heroic, teens lose.

I knew a family that spoke to their children in “baby talk” to the exclusion of normal diction. Not surprising, each of their children had difficulty speaking in their early years. One could hardly understand them. They had only known baby talk and hadn’t learned to speak with clarity. Teens gain clarity about life best by being around caring adults who behave as adults.

To connect with youth in a meaningful way be yourself. Dress, talk, and act the way you normally do. This is an attractive quality to teens. Come to think of it, this kind of authenticity is attractive to everyone.

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Clear Transitions

In the spirit of the new year I will begin down a fresh path with my newsletters starting in January. I hope you enjoy this last newsletter of 2009 capping off the “Five Elements of Effective Structure” series.

To illustrate this final element of effective structure, Transition, let’s build on the example I introduced in the last newsletter: Imagine you are working with a group of youth to encourage them to avoid using tobacco. You’ve discussed with them the role of various media (TV, Internet, movies, etc.) which may employ subtle and not-so-subtle methods to encourage youth to smoke. After giving a brief, clear introduction, you facilitated discussion and dialogue during the process phase, synthesized the student comments, and helped them develop actions they can take based on the discussion. With your help, the youth arrived at some brilliant ideas and developed specific strategies–ones they now “own” in a way they didn’t when they entered the room. You’re sending them back into the world with a newfound sense of responsibility and clarity. Excellent!

The next topic you want to discuss is the role of peer pressure (again, insert your own topic), and how it relates to tobacco use. Here’s where we can stumble. Not infrequently I witness presenters that begin a new topic without connecting it to the previous topic. The topics remain isolated. By breaking these topics out of isolation we encourage students to strengthen relationships between the topics. As you draw the conversation about media to a close and prepare to move into your introduction on peer pressure, pose a simple question to strengthen the relationship between media and peer pressures: “Before we move on to discuss peer pressures, I’m curious, how would you say media influences and peer pressure are related?” I like using the second person in this kind of a question. It is a reminder that your audience members, not you, are responsible for their own learning process. Then, allow for silence. Brains are working.

Our brains crave coherence. Brain research indicates that our brains are wired to preserve what is coherent and purge dissonance. We want to know how things relate. This is how we learn. The transition phase is when you offer your audience opportunity to create meaningful connections between two separate topics. When we can strengthen the relationship between two or more distinct topics, we strengthen the learning process. This is the point of Transition–to connect the topic you’re leaving to the topic you’re entering. There’s a reciprocal, chicken and egg relationship here: Whichever comes second we will best understand by connecting it with what came first. Switching topics without a good transition is sure to create “topical whiplash.”

I’ve designed this five-part presentation progression to maximize the engagement of the learner. My desired outcome by practicing these elements is that our presentations will be more engaging, lucid, and effectual. Please don’t feel you need to adhere to every jot and tittle of this structure. Make it your own. Adapt it to serve your needs. Remember, the agent of change is you.

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