The Teen Age: 40 Reflections on Relating With Teens—Andrew F. Robinson Eugene, Oregon— Who is the person who touched your life when you were a teenager? Isn’t that the person you want to be to the teens in your life? That’s the person they need you to be says Author Andrew F. Robinson.

Robinson just released his new book The Teen Age: 40 Reflections on Relating with Teens. Robinson’s book is not another self-help manual it’s a well researched, proven look at how each of us can better communicate with teenagers. Readers will find a clear, engaging and reliable roadmap to connecting with teens in ways that will positively impact them for life.

In reading The Teen Age you will also rediscover the things that stood out in your life and will find those same magic moments can impact the teen age around us. “Residing within each of us are resources that, when fully expressed, can make a world of difference in the life of a teen,” asserts Robinson, an educational coach who translates adolescent brain research into relevant applications for organizations throughout the U.S. In this collection of keen, compassionate and disarming essays Robinson both amplifies and models his thesis that the requisite for creating positive change is to risk bringing our full, authentic selves to relationships.

Throughout this highly accessible book Robinson paints memorable word pictures to illuminate both the complexities of the teen psyche, and the ways in which we may succeed—or fail—to secure a trusting, transformative relationship with the teens we care about. “I hope this book will both challenge our assumptions and affirm our deepest intuitions as we reach out to teens,” says Robinson. “I know the sea change that can occur in teens when they experience us as whole, vulnerable individuals who genuinely get them. This can literally save their lives.”

“The Teen Age is an invitation to think beyond our original boundaries—it encourages us to come along side teens, to come alongside one another, respectfully, with an eager curiosity,” says Christine Barber, a counselor with over 30 years of clinical experience, “I find myself fully absorbed in this book, and like a good meal, it lingers with me, naturally continuing to ask questions, to reflect on what I have read.”

“Like missives from a battlefield, The Teen Age gives you the sense that the author, Andrew Robinson, has been there and wants to help you in the work you do with young people,” says John Santin, a Project Coordinator with Oregon Research Institute.

The Teen Age: 40 Reflections on Relating With Teens is available at www.peoplechangepeople.com and on Amazon (click here). This is the author’s first book. About Andrew Robinson: Andrew Robinson is writer, trainer, and speaker who’s received enthusiastic reviews for his energetic and provocative presentations. Through his website, newsletter, blog and podcasts he advocates for effecting positive change by availing ourselves of our creativity and compassion. Robinson’s interest in the dynamics of change and relationships led him to pursue a master’s in education, with a marriage and family therapy specialization, at the University of Oregon. He earned his M.A. in 2001, and in the years following directed a youth development program, which grew to reach more than 50,000 students annually. He is now honored to partner with groups from all parts of the U.S.

The following exchange—taken from the 1987 film Raising Arizona—between prison inmate Hi (played by Nicolas Cage) and his parole board ranks high on my list of memorable dialogues:

Parole board chairman: They’ve got a name for people like you, Hi. That name is called “recidivism.” Repeat offender! Not a pretty name, is it, Hi?

Hi: No, sir. That’s one bonehead name, but that ain’t me anymore.

Parole board chairman: You’re not just telling us what we want to hear?

Hi: No, sir, no way.

Parole board member: ‘Cause we just want to hear the truth.

Hi: Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear.

Parole board chairman: Boy, didn’t we just tell you not to do that?

Hi: Yes, sir.

Parole board chairman: Okay, then.

Like so much in life, this scene is funny because it reflects something true about human nature. The parole board is dubious of Hi’s claims to reform. They don’t see him as someone capable of making anything other than “bonehead” choices. Our perceptions of others, especially people we consider challenging or complex, inform our expectations of their behavior and abilities. You have probably read studies in which school administrators tell teachers their classes comprise either high- or low-achieving students. The teachers believe this assessment and set expectations commensurate with their perception of student capabilities. Though the classes are actually homogenous, as far as previous performance is concerned, the “high-achieving” students outperform the “low achievers.”

We are all prone to categorizing others. This person is stingy. That person is particular. In many respects we can’t help this, nor is there anything wrong with forming perceptions. How can we not? We can enhance the health of our personal and professional relationships by making these perceptions pliable. Doing so extends to others an opportunity to teach us. When we become students of others we allow them to clarify our perceptions. Our relationships are then more authentic because they are rooted in a more accurate understanding of the other.

I find the following thought experiment to be rewarding, especially in reference to my closest friends and family. Fresh aspects of their character and personality broaden and correct my previous perceptions. They are more real to me. I can relate with them in a way that is more authentic and enlivening. I encourage you to think of one person in your life whom you experience as particularly tricky and enigmatic, then:

1. Imagine this person looking you in the eye and saying, “How do you see me?”

2. Formulate an honest response. Go ahead and generalize like crazy. Wrap this person up in a box and assume for a moment this is accurate. Give your brain permission to think you’ve got this person figured out. What you are doing is creating an accurate assessment of your existing perception of this person.

3. Now brainstorm some alternate perceptions. Over-generalized perceptions don’t have room for exceptions. So hunt for them. To do this you have to swivel around the person to gain unique vantage points. In what settings might this person do something that would broaden your existing perception? Picture this person at home, in a car, in a garden, with a pet, on a plane. How might seeing them in these various settings help fill out your perceptions?

4. In the next week note the exceptions to your previous perceptions. You will have to look hard and not be derailed by the experiences that reinforce your original over-generalized perception. Fighting this tendency is your task. This can only enhance how you relate to, and enjoy, this individual.

Look for and expect others to surprise you. Extend to others the invitation to teach you truths about their character and personality. Grant them the freedom to not only correct existing perceptions, but also add new dimensions to your understanding.

I was halfway through the class period when it happened. It was my fifth and last day with upperclassmen at a local high school. We were discussing sexual decisions, in particular the pros and cons of having sex at an early age versus the pros and cons of waiting.

The door opened and a girl entered who had not been present for any of the other four days. By looking at her I wondered if she was a proponent for some kind of minimalist clothing movement, for the distance from the hem of her skirt to the top of her tube-top couldn’t have been much more than 12 inches. She strutted passed me and sat at her desk.

A few moments later I posed to the class the question, “What are some reasons teens choose to have sex?” Without hesitation, though she hadn’t been present for any of the other discussions, the aforementioned girl raised her hand.

“Because it’s natural,” she said. Her tone was unmistakable. She wanted to skirmish. I recognized this and responded with a good deal of enthusiasm, “You’re absolutely right! Sex is as natural as breathing.” I went on to amplify the truth embedded in her statement: sex is natural. She wasn’t expecting this. She expected a fight. I think part of her hoped I would launch into a monologue about the risks of sex at an early age. Stunned, she sat quietly.

After this we discussed other reasons teens choose to have sex. We then explored the potential drawbacks to this decision. I just asked questions and facilitated discussion among the students.

Then I switched gears. “We’ve discussed the reasons why some teens have sex, and some of the potential drawbacks to that decision. But why would someone choose to wait for sex?”

The same girl raised her hand. I would be lying if I said I didn’t fasten a mental seat belt before calling on her.

In place of the venom that laced her previous statement there was stone-cold sobriety. “I think I would have more respect for myself,” she said. That was it. The room was quiet. I was stunned. I think a good number of her classmates were, as well.

I may never know whether this interaction created any lasting positive change in the life of this teen. But by honoring her statement, oppositional though it was, we didn’t get bogged down in resistance. This freed her to consider alternatives to her position. Had I increased the resistance she would have been stuck.

I’ve heard stories about hunters who discover the carcasses of two deer, their antlers locked together. Unable to separate themselves, the creatures eventually died a tragic, prolonged death. You and I do well not to lock horns with teens. Teens, like the girl in the class, will square up to us and invite us to resist them. Doing so would have devastating implications for our ability to create change.

Teens need to process their ideas. They need us to listen without reacting. Whenever possible, find the truth in a teen’s statement that you can support. You don’t have to agree with him or her in entirety. But by doing so in part you keep alive the conversation and make possible a deeper connection. What can happen in time is that we earn the right to share our valuable thoughts and opinions–and teens just might listen to what we say.