You’ve probably heard someone say, usually in reference to a meeting he or she attended, that someone at the meeting “had an agenda.” But I don’t think this is exactly what we mean. Everyone has an agenda. We have a sense of what we would like to do, and perhaps a sense of order for how we would like these things to unfold. It is a rare situation in which we can honestly say we have no agenda.

But when we say someone “has an agenda,” we tend to mean that he or she has an idea of how he or she wants things to proceed to the exclusion of input from others. Though others are in the room, the person driving the agenda does not welcome or allow the opinions of these people to mold ideas or alter the course of the conversation. Questions in this setting are a sham, not an earnest solicitation for ideas.

We all cross over from knowing how we want things to go to insisting things go a particular way. When we begin to ramrod our agenda we begin to view others as obstacles. Their questions, suggestions, and comments are of little worth to us at best, gadflies at worst.

I took my four-year-old to the beach last summer for her birthday. My goal was to let my daughter lead our time. The following was my agenda:

1. We’re going to the beach.

2. We’re staying at the hotel where I made a reservation.

3. We’re returning the following afternoon.

I knew somewhere in there we would eat, sleep, play, and read. But I didn’t know when, where, or in what order. If these were business meeting agenda items, I would have succeeded in completing each one.

So on the way to the beach I asked her, “Do you want to check in to the hotel, or go to the beach?” At lunch I asked her what she felt like eating. After dinner I asked her what she wanted to do before it was time for bed. I didn’t have to ask very often. She was more than happy to voice her wishes. If ever she seemed at a loss for what to do, I offered some options. I can’t say I succeeded in reaching my goal with perfection. There were many times I so wanted to do something other than what she wanted. I could feel the heat of my own volition rising to the surface. I was mostly successful in curbing these desires. My hope was that, over the course of a couple days dedicated exclusively to daughter-dad time, my child would sense the profound respect I have for her and her abilities. She is not “in my way,” and therefore not an obstacle to my agenda.

I grieve to think of the times I’ve treated my children and others as barriers to my objectives. We cross the line when we say, “my agenda ought to also be your agenda.” We take a figurative stapler and attach the agenda to another person’s chest. “There,” we say, “this is what you’ll be doing.” We are saying without equivocation, “I know what you want to do, but if I honor that it will detract from what I have planned.”

But we learn best when we can ask questions, raise associations no matter how oblique, and know there will be another there to help us make sense of it all. Many raise the concern that where boundaries are too vague, people wander. This is true. Boundaries are important. But keep in mind that where purpose drives direction there is no need for establishing rigid boundaries. Everyone knows where we’re going. Straying to the right or left isn’t an option. But what we want is the freedom to sort out what we view through the window.

Try this in a conversation, a meeting, or while teaching. Determine the entry point for the topic, have a sense of where you’d like to finish, but leave the process open for others to enter with their own ideas. I’ve conducted weekend retreats in this manner. This is still how I form agendas, or what I prefer to call “items for our conversation.” Everyone knows what we we’re doing and what we hope to accomplish. I intentionally leave the content open-ended so that everyone can contribute toward driving the time. Leaving agendas open creates a vacuum into which human creativity and brilliance can enter. This will make for much more meaningful, enjoyable and fruitful interactions.