One of the cuter kids’ tee shirts I’ve seen reads, “I do all my own stunts.” I witness my own three children performing stunts every day. When I was in college I traveled to Glacier National Park in Montana with a group of friends. We spent three days exploring the park, climbing, and doing things I earnestly hope my own children never try. On one of our hikes we discovered a deep crack in the earth. At bottom ran a creek. Sizing up the span and depth of the chasm we decided to try and leap across, a distance of about six feet. A fall to the bottom would be catastrophic. One by one we made it to the other side. I recall landing and grasping a tree branch to keep from falling backward. I have a photo of this somewhere.

Childhood is characterized by doing remarkable, risky things. Somehow we learn to be less risky as we age. We wish for our children to be preserved from the perils and risks relationships can possess. But by the time we enter our adult years we’ve learned that relating with people can be hazardous and painful. Instead of doing our own stunts, we’re inclined to use stunt-doubles to prevent injuring ourselves. It’s so much easier and less threatening to go through the day on cruise control, disengaged from the people with whom we live and work. This is the equivalent of sending our stunt-double instead of bringing all of who we are and have to offer. The riskiest thing we can do is to bring ourselves fully to our professional and personal relationships. But when we summon the courage to try and be fully present and engaged, we’re more alive and available to others. However terrifying this can be, we can learn to do our own stunts.

I want to emphasize that there are times when healthy boundaries in relationships are necessary. It’s natural and healthy when first meeting someone to establish a healthy distance until you better know him or her to be a safe person. In cases where particular individuals have shown themselves to be hurtful, we’re wise to protect ourselves. But there is a difference between choosing safety consciously and wisely, and clinging to it habitually. Our boundaries should match the threat. Where there is no detectible threat, we can work toward full engagement. I say “work” because this is a process. It’s something we apply ourselves to, not something we are inclined toward naturally.