I have a friend whose well nearly ran dry last summer. His family had to curtail water use until rainwater could restore the aquifer. There are times when I feel like my friend’s well. This happens when I go too hard, take on too many responsibilities, and don’t take time to restore myself.

Lest we forget, a life committed to being engaged is a life that values the care of one’s self. When we are spiritually, emotionally and physically balanced we are far better equipped to engage with life and others. We’re able to give the most when our own well is full. This means we need to find time each day, week, month, and season to immerse ourselves in those activities that restore our sense of wellbeing. Consider this thought experiment: If you had fifteen obligation-free minutes right now what would you do? Power nap? Read? Take a short walk? Think of what you might do for an hour, an entire day, or weekend, if you could release yourself from commitments and obligations. These pastimes don’t need to be extravagant. A “stay-cation,” in which you stay home, can be incredibly restorative—if you protect your time.

Taking time to fill our personal wells is a discipline in that it requires us to be proactive. It’s like making an appointment to see a doctor, only we’re making an appointment with ourselves. In some cases you may find it restorative to have others join you in your appointments. This isn’t a problem, so long as the time is rejuvenating. Some people, including me, require small and large chunks of alone-time for optimal wellbeing. I go on a fishing trip with some friends for a few days each year. This brief retreat offers the perfect combination of solitude and togetherness. I come home fresh, more grounded, and ready to engage with life’s many commitments.

For a host of reasons we often neglect to make such appointments. We think we’re undeserving and just too busy care for ourselves. Or we may think that doing something for ourselves, such as reading a book for an hour with a cup of tea, is selfish. But we must not confuse self-care with being selfish. Self-care is what we do to be more fully human and alive. In this state we resemble more closely who we were made to be. Selfishness, in contrast, is insatiable and interested only in what will better my welfare. In the end, self-care is a gift to ourselves and to those we care about.

Tags: engagement, mindful living, self-care

There is only so much you and I can do to positively contribute to the lives of others. All people are multifaceted; the most advanced computer cannot rival the complexity of a human being. This means that a particular input from us will not necessarily produce a particular outcome. It may not even produce a desirable outcome. We may expect, for example, that having a pleasant conversation with another might make for less conflict and more cooperation between us. This is a reasonable expectation and may in some cases be accurate, especially if such times together are a pattern and not isolated incidences. But there are no guaranteed outcomes. Much of what informs others and their decisions lies beyond our control.

Confronted with this reality we may be inclined to despair and opt out of the relationship. Or we may remain physically present, but emotionally disengaged. We may wonder why we should bother making an effort if we can’t know if any good will result. So we don’t bother. If we do bother, we may resort to the use of techniques that promise a guaranteed outcome. Think “Perfect Abs in One Week” and other tabloid ads. These promise certain outcomes if we follow the prescribed technique. They give us the illusion of control and the hope of a desirable outcome. If I do X, Y will happen.

All relationships are no-guarantee relationships. The most humane response to this truth is to muster the courage to engage; to neither opt out nor heed the seduction of techniques. We must risk—and when we do we will experience both rewards and grief. These are guarantees. The joys and sorrows we experience from such courage are evidence that we are alive. I prefer this to a life of emotional and spiritual atrophy. Commit to living with this courage and you will model The Engaged Life. This may, after all, be the most potent means by which we contribute to others’ lives.

Tags: engagement, positive change, vulnerability

When I began my organization and became my own boss I realized more than ever that the way I spend my time is critical. How I spend my time directly relates to the success of my business objectives. I’ve had to learn to prioritize, focus, and work efficiently like never before. Accidental Creative has been a guiding force in my creativity and productivity for a number of years. David Allen’s book, Getting Things Done, has been instrumental in this process. I’ve also gleaned many guiding insights along the way from Merlin Mann.

Though I am not a card carrying lifehacker, I’ve seen tremendous growth in my productivity and creativity. Mann says warding off our tendency to multitask is an important quality if we are to see such growth. To be productive we must do one thing at a time, not many. This assumes, of course, that the one thing we’re doing is what we should be doing in that moment. Allen, Mann, and other productivity types seem to agree on this point. I’ve noticed this works well and is essential to my professional life.

But when it comes to my home and family, multitasking is not an elective–it’s a requisite. In fact, when I carry into this context my professional blinders-on kind of work ethic, I find I’m quickly frustrated and disappointed in how I relate with my family. Last Saturday I decided to paint our mailbox post. The project began as I had planned. I stirred and set out the paint and brush. Put down a drop cloth and began to prep the post by scraping and sanding. Everything was still on track. Then two helpers appeared in the form of my four- and seven-year-old daughters. Their lack of previous post painting experience did not temper their eagerness to help. My productivity quotient immediately dropped, and continued to drop for the remainder of the afternoon. After four hours we completed the project that would have taken me a quarter that time on my own. We took frequent breaks to climb trees, ride bikes on the sidewalk, and dig in the dirt.

Something is starting to dawn on me: I complete house projects while attending to more important activities. I’d like to say I do this without being infected with the task-oriented, get out of my way and let me get this done, virus. I can’t. I don’t do this perfectly. I’m not sure I even do it well. But I see how I would like it to be for my kids: that they would know they, not my projects, are my priority.

The gurus are right: multi-tasking is not productive. But when it comes to family and other life-anchoring relationships, who needs productivity?

Tags: cultivating relationships, parenting, priorities